First things first

After a week of not eating meat and feeling peaceful with a 'nothing died for me today' gratitude; my friend Bahdra Kali deflated my self-importance by asking "What about smoking?".  Of course I immediately began
justifying that becoming a non-meat eater was quite a big leap for me and that quitting smoking would have to wait.  Wait for what?  Well as all messages from Badra Kali worm their way into my semi-conscious state; this one was no different.  While I was meditating the next morning and renewing my vow to not have anything die or be killed for me today; it occurred to me that perhaps I didn't have the right to be killing myself by continuing to smoke.  In fact, it goes against the first of the four truths of buddhism; celebrate the life you're given.

It would be untruthful to report I quit smoking simply because of the first truth; other elements were in play
before I re-read the truths.  As an American who lives in 'the Tundra' (as Bhadra Kali refers to Canada); I play hockey.  Now what has hockey got to do with spirituality, buddhism, truths and  change?  To me there is nothing more spiritual than the need to play and in Canada we play hockey.  So at 63 years young I need all the oxygen I can get to play the best I can during this life I've been given.   If this sounds like rationalization; remember what they said in The Big Chill "Bet you can't get through your day without one good rationalization".

Even after 30 years of recovery; rationalizing, minimizing and otherwising are old shoes I still wear.  They get me where I want to be when fear says "Don't move.  You're fine where you are. or Go back the way you came".  Early in recovery they give you this tool called "Act as if".  Act as if you are not scared.  Act as if you are worthy of recovery.  Act as if you can ask for help.  Act as if there is a higher power than can help you, etc..  So, I 'Act as if' my hockey game will improve by not smoking to improve my life.  Who knows tomorrow I may 'Act as if' I will be able to live so totally in the 'now' I won't rationalize, minimize or otherwise anything; including myself.

My friend, BK, says I need a teacher; but she is one of mine.   Perhaps we're all teachers and needing to be very cautious about what are lives are teach others.  I will ask myself at the end of my day what my life taught today.